Do you find it difficult to deal with angry, hateful or enraged people? Do you find it difficult to deal with your own anger, hatred or rage? If so, maybe this pearl can help you to calm that anger, hatred or rage.
Welcome again to this five-part series about dealing with emotionally distraught people. Part-II will deal with calming angry or enraged people. Emotional anger and rational hate/rage are the most difficult emotions to deal with because it is so confrontational and scary, but it can be done since the angry/hateful/enraged person actually wants to get past it and move on. This pearl is especially helpful if you or your mate is a genetically strong angry director and a weak relator.
What Causes Anger, Hatred and Rage?
The right amygdala stores our anger memories. Sensory input triggers these anger memories (in 50 ms) along with sensory memories in the sensory cortex (in 100 ms)—these sensory memories also trigger related director memories in the right frontal cortex. When anger is triggered, the amygdala wipes the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) clear of what it is presently dealing with and scans those sensorially triggered director memories to find the reason for the anger (in 500 ms). If not found, new sensory input will re-trigger the amygdala's anger and other director memories to sort it out. Or if an extreme confrontation/attack the amygdala will continuously re-trigger that anger and wipe the PFC every 50 ms before any rational memories can sort it out. And if not firing too quickly, that anger can be rationally re-triggered by related director memories (in >500 ms), elevating it to hatred or rage and possibly to physical/verbal attack. A hint; if that angry person emits strong negative energy (“negative vibes”) the anger has already elevated.
The director style is a rational program in the right frontal cortex whose purpose is: "to deal with possible confrontation/annoyance". The evolutionary purpose of anger is: "to alert us to confrontation/annoyance" and in strong angry/directors those anger memories are very sensitive to any form of confrontation or annoyance. This is the fight part of our “fight or flight” reaction and why angry people confront others. Emotional anger can elevate to rational hatred or rage when re-triggered by unresolved director memories that are difficult to get past. But, no matter what triggers the anger/hatred/rage, that person needs to calm down.
When angry, we only use the director style’s rational memories, which are governed by the following director motivations:
1) Only my Opinions matter.
2) Only my Needs matter.
3) Only my Decisions matter.
It’s not easy to calm a person that is driven by these self-serving motivations, especially in a world divided by fear and hatred. When the angry person is a genetically strong director (which is typically the case) there are many director memories to support/elevate that anger to rage, making it difficult to calm them down. If the angry person is a genetically weak director there are fewer director memories controlled by these motivations to support/elevate that anger, making it easier to quell—especially if that person is a strong relator with totally opposite motivations. And yes, strong relators do become angry/enraged, especially when something threatens their loved ones.
Calming an Angry/Enraged/Hateful Person:
As previously indicated, when someone's emotional brain is firing too quickly it will continue to wipe out any rational use of the PFC to sort out and quell that anger. And more typically, if that anger is rationally re-triggered by related unresolved director memories it can elevate to hatred or rage. It is your job to help the angered person to get back rational control of their PFC. To do that you need to sequentially calm them using the following procedure to “step outside yourself” and make it only about them, never you:
1) While looking them straight in the eye at their eye level, ask them to “please take a deep breath” as you also take a deep breath. This distraction should calm them and you a little and reduce their physical distress from shallow breathing.
2) Clear your mind of any opinions or rational emotions about that situation. Look into their eyes and carefully ask them why they are so angry and allow their PFC to find the reason for their anger and quell it. If they are acting hateful ask them what/who they hate and especially why.
3) Only focus on their response to discover the reason for their anger/hatred/rage. Fully hear that person out (saying nothing) no matter how long it takes, to allow them to gain more control.
4) Wait at least five seconds after they are done speaking to better define the cause of their anger/hatred/rage and to support the aspects of their rational that you agree with—don’t be judgmental (stay outside of yourself). This will calm them a little more.
5) Then, stop talking and while looking them in the eyes allow them to say anything else without prompting or commenting on it—simply wait for them to calm down.
6) Compassionately look them in the eyes and say nothing until they calm themselves if the are enraged and won’t calm down—this may take a while so be patient.
There are a lot of steps to remember, but most of the time you can calm then only using steps 1), 2), 3)—but probably all 6 steps if they are enraged or acting hateful.
Calming Yourself when you catch yourself when Angry, Hateful or Enraged:
1) Take a deep breath and concentrate on that breath.
2) Ask yourself why you are so angry or what/who you hate, but don’t elevate that anger.
3) Take another deep breath and concentrate on that breath.
4) Think about what that person has done to help you in the past.
5) If you are enraged—don’t argue or fight; just walk away!
Throughout this sequence you are allowing others (and yourself) to calm down enough to release their PFC from anger or hatred’s control so that they can sort out and quell it. Hopefully, they will have an understanding of what causes it and can get past it that moment or possibly forever. This is especially true if you are the cause of their anger or hatred and they are having difficulty getting you to understand the situation from their point of view, which you need to do.
By "stepping outside yourself" you will calm them because you can accept their point of view even if you disagree with it because it seems extreme. Remember, it is their angry director memories that they are thinking with, not yours.
I hope that Part-II has helped you to understand how to better deal with angry/enraged/hateful people.
In Part-III will discuss how to calm people who are being controlled by their fear/terror.
