Do you find it difficult to deal with fearful or terrified people? Do you find it difficult to deal with your own strong fears? If so, maybe this pearl can help you calm that fear and terror.
Welcome to Part-III of this five-part series, which deals with calming fearful or terrified people. The second most difficult emotion to deal with is fear, which can elevate to paralyzing terror, making that person literally become petrified, unable to move. This pearl is especially helpful if you or your mate is a genetically strong fearful analyzer and also a genetically weak socializer.
What causes Fear and Terror?
The left amygdala stores our fear memories. Sensory input triggers these fear memories (in 50 ms) along with sensory memories in the sensory cortex (in 100 ms)—these sensory memories also trigger related analyzer memories in the left frontal cortex. When fear is triggered, the amygdala wipes the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) clear of what it is presently dealing with and scans those analyzer memories to find the reason for that fear (in 500 ms). If not found, new sensory input will re-trigger the amygdala and other related analyzer memories to sort it out. If there is extreme danger the amygdala will continuously re-trigger that fear every 50 ms before any rational memories can sort it out. And if not firing too quickly, that fear can be rationally re-triggered by related analyzer memories and can elevate to terror. A hint, if that fearful person emits strong negative energy (“negative vibes”) the fear has already elevated.
The analyzer style is a rational program in the left frontal cortex whose purpose is: to cautiously proceed. The evolutionary purpose of fear is: to alert us to danger. This is the flight part of our “fight or flight” reaction and why fearful people try to mentally and physically escape from a possibly dangerous situation. Genetically strong analyzers find danger everywhere and are cautious about anything new, sometimes physically or mentally fleeing from it. The bottom line is that no matter what triggers their fear/terror, they will need help to calm down.
When fearful, we only use the analyzer style’s rational memories, which are governed by the following analyzer motivations:
1) To avoid loss or pain
2) To only do what we’re supposed to do
3) To distrust most situations
It’s not easy getting through to a person controlled by these motivations, especially in a world driven by fear and hatred. When the fearful/terrified person is a strong analyzer (which is typically the case) there are many analyzer memories to support/elevate that fear and it is difficult to calm them. If the fearful person is genetically a weak analyzer there are fewer analyzer memories controlled by these motivations, making it easier to calm them (especially if that person is a strong socializer with totally opposite motivations).
Calming a Fearful/Terrified Person:
As previously indicated, when someone's emotional brain is firing too quickly it will continue to wipe out any rational use of the PFC to sort out and quell his or her fear. And if not firing too quickly, that fear can be rationally re-triggered by related unresolved analyzer memories, elevating it to terror. It is your job to help that fearful person get back rational control of their PFC. To do that you need to sequentially calm them using the following procedure to “step outside yourself” and make it only about them, never you:
1) While looking them straight in the eye at their eye level, ask them to “please take a deep breath” as you also take a deep breath. This distraction should calm them and you a little and will reduce the physical distress from shallow breathing.
2) Clear your mind of any opinions or rational emotions about that situation. Look into their eyes and carefully ask them why they are so afraid and allow their PFC to find the reason for their fear and quell it.
3) Only focus on what the other person is saying to discover the cause of their fear. Fully hear that person out (saying nothing) no matter how long it takes, to allow them to gain more control.
4) Wait at least five seconds after they are done speaking to support the aspects of their rational that you agree with—don’t be judgmental (stay outside of yourself). This will calm them a little more.
5) Then, stop talking and while looking them in the eyes allow them to say anything else—without prompting or commenting on it—simply wait for them to calm down.
6) If their fear elevates and they won’t calm down, compassionately look them in the eyes, breathe deeply and say nothing until they calm themselves—this may take a while so be patient.
There are a lot of steps to remember here, but most of the time you can calm then using only steps 1), 2), 3), and possibly 4).
Calming Yourself when you are fearful—Impossible to do if terrified—so get help:
1) Take a deep breath and concentrate on that breath; take another if necessary.
2) Ask yourself why you are afraid, but don’t dwell on it.
3) Take another deep breath and concentrate on that breath.
4) Think about how you might deal with that dangerous situation to get a feeling of control over it.
5) If terrified—run if not paralyzed with fear!
Throughout this sequence you are allowing others to calm down enough to release their PFC from fear’s control so that they can sort out and quell that fear. Hopefully, they will have an understanding of what causes that fear and can get past it momentarily and possibly forever. This is especially true if you are the cause of that fear and they are having difficulty getting you to understand the situation from their point of view, which you need to do. If you are fearful it is best to figure out what caused that fear and what you might do about it.
I hope that Part-III has helped you to understand how to deal with fearful/terrified people. In Part-IV we will discuss how to calm down people who are being controlled by sorrow and despair.
