Do you find communicating with others difficult? Do you or do those close to you have physical difficulties or habits that make your conversations annoying or argumentative? If so, maybe this pearl series can help you to better communicate with others, avoiding frustration and arguments.
Verbal human communication includes both listening and speaking. Part-1 of this two-part series will deal with the listening aspect of communication. Part-2 will deal with the speaking aspect of communication with an emphasis on asking and answering questions and avoiding arguments. This two-part series will lead into a five-part series—“Dealing with Emotionally Distraught People”.
Human Communication:
Mammal communication became possible about 45 million years ago with the development of the rational brain (frontal cortices)—for social survival. Up until then the 200 million year old mammalian (emotional) brain only provided mammals with the possibility of physical survival. Human communication started less than a million years ago with the evolution of Homo sapiens. To survive, humans needed to become the diner instead of the dinner in a world full of more physically endowed predators. Humans eventually learned to work together to survive and human communication allowed this to occur. It started with the dominant human males grunting and using body language, which later developed into language used by females in their daily gossip (the news media of the time). Spoken language later developed into the verbal and written languages we use today. But in this series we will focus on verbal rational communication through listening and speaking in such a manner as to avoid emotional arguments.
Listening under Difficult Conditions:
Listening is not easy for many reasons, especially under difficult conditions. We assume that everybody is automatically tuned into what we are about to say—they aren't. We assume that others have memories to understand what we are saying—they might not. And we need to actually hear what others are saying—which is difficult if the listener is hearing impaired or the speaker tends to mumble or have a strong accent. Ambient noise can also make listening difficult—and shouting may not help. Even when devoid of these difficult conditions we may not hear all of what was said.
When we are already involved in a conversation on a topic that we have memories about the conversation can flow smoothly. But when someone blurts out something to us, we are usually thinking about something else and don’t hear the first few words spoken. And when blurted out under difficult listening conditions we may only hear a word or two. Thus, we must figure out what the speaker is talking about from the circumstances and from what little we heard. Sometimes we respond appropriately, but sometimes we can’t and end up saying “what”—which can become very annoying and lead to arguments when there are listening difficulties . Thus for better communication, a hearing impaired listener needs to quickly focus on the speaker once they hear the first word—mumbling speakers need to articulate and speak up, especially in a noisy environment or if they have a strong accent. In any case, both speaker and listener can and should avoid the miscommunication and frustration that leads to arguments.
Our Rational Styles affect our ability to effectively Listen and Speak:
It should be emphasized that when we use a rational style—whether we are strong or weak in it—we listen and speak in a specific manner to attain the purpose of that style—our brains are wired that way for those four rational styles.
Our rational styles affect the way we Listen:
When listening with our Director Style:
Our purpose is: “to attain immediate results” and we listen to confirm our opinions—opinions that we used to decide what to do so we can move on, but may cause an argument if we can't.
When listening with our Socializer Style:
Our purpose is: “to identify and interact with our positive connections”—and when interacting, we only listening long enough to be able to respond and dominate the conversation, which may lead to an argument if the other person can't respond.
When listening with our Analyzer Style:
Our purpose is: “to unerringly proceed” and we listen to understand the details of the subject—so that we can safely and appropriately react, which can cause a misunderstanding/argument if we become frustrated from insufficient detail.
When listening with our Relator Style:
Our purpose is: “to stay connected to or reconnect with others” and we listen to remember the personal details about others—making them feel important, acknowledged and bonded to us, which avoids arguments.
Our purpose is: “to stay connected to or reconnect with others” and we listen to remember the personal details about others—making them feel important, acknowledged and bonded to us, which avoids arguments.
Our rational styles affect the way we Speak:
Just like when listening, each rational style, whether we are strong or weak in it, has its own automatic way of speaking. Thus when listening, it is helpful to appreciate how a person speaks with a particular style, in order to better understand what they are saying and why. Again, their speech automatically supports the purpose of the rational style they are using.
When speaking with our Director Style:
“to attain immediate results”—we speak in a concise, definitive and rhetorical manner—so that we can quickly address the issue and move on. When conversing with our director style the probability of an argument is high.
When speaking with our Socializer Style:
“to identify and interact with our positive connections”—we speak in an enthusiastic, exaggerative and random manner, branching from topic to topic—to prolong the conversation. When conversing with our socializer style the probability of an argument is low.
When speaking with our Analyzer Style:
“to unerringly proceed”—we speak in a detailed, logical, stepwise, hedging manner—to safely address the issue without fully committing to that opinion. When conversing with our analyzer style the probability of an argument is not necessarily low.
When speaking with our Relator Style:
“to stay connected to or reconnect with others”—we don’t speak much, but when we do we speak in an indirect, inoffensive manner—to avoid disconnection. When conversing with our relator style the probability of an argument is very low.
“to stay connected to or reconnect with others”—we don’t speak much, but when we do we speak in an indirect, inoffensive manner—to avoid disconnection. When conversing with our relator style the probability of an argument is very low.
In Summary:
Effective listening helps us to better understand what someone is trying to communicate to us. Effective listening isn’t easy, even when difficult listening conditions don’t exist, but it is important to effectively listen to avoid starting an argument. The goal of effective listening (other than understanding what was said) is to respond appropriately and avoid misunderstandings and arguments. Thus by understanding why and how we listen and speak while using a rational style, we can better avoid emotional arguments. Unfortunately, negative emotional memories can trigger an argument, which will continue until we can get past that emotional outburst and become rational again—shutting up for a moment helps—rationalizing that we are right doesn't help.
I hope that Part-1 of this two-part series was helpful and that you can now appreciate how to better listen. The final pearl of this series: "Human Communication, Part-2, Speaking" will discuss how to avoid arguments by appropriately responding to the questions asked.
