Dr. Dean C. BellaviaThe Bio-Engineering Co.
Dealing with PAIN, Part-2: Upper Back, Neck & Shoulder Pain
Do you suffer from upper back, neck or shoulder pain? If you do, are you dealing with it as effectively as possible? Whether your upper back or shoulder pain is your present or future problem, you may want to better understand what you are dealing with and how to avoid or relieve it.
Disclaimer
The opinions stated here are based on over 50 years of personal research and what has and has not worked for my clients, my acquaintances and me. This is an offering to get you thinking outside of the “pill box” and possibly resolve the root of your pain instead of only covering it up with medications—medications are helpful, but they rarely resolve your upper back, neck or shoulder pain. There are no guarantees that any of this will work for you and some may give you adverse affects, which tells you what NOT to do—anyway, it’s worth a try if your present pain is intolerable.
Statistics
Forty-two percent to of the US population sporadically suffers and 51% chronically suffer from sporadic upper back, neck and shoulder pain. Thus, upper back, neck and shoulder pain has also become an epidemic in the US, especially among dental staff and clerical workers.
Causes of Upper Back, Neck and Shoulder Pain”
► An unhealthy sitting or standing position while working (twisted and/or bent over, slouching, etc.)
► Sitting or standing in the same position for hours
► Slouching when standing, sitting or walking instead of keeping your spine straight
► Trigger points that cause upper back and shoulder pain and arm weakness
► Muscle injury or weakness due to overexertion
Ways to AVOID Upper Back, Neck and Shoulder Pain:
► When sitting, don’t hunch over, sit as upright as possible using a “Posture Corrector" if needed (see attached PDF).
► Don’t watch TV/phone or read or do anything in one position for more than an hour, get up and move around and do something “physical”.
► Don’t sleep on just one side, constricting blood flow to your arm/shoulder on that side; use a pillow that keeps your head and spine in line and off of your arm/shoulder.
► See a chiropractor at least once a year to make sure that your spine is in good shape.
► Get a deep tissue full upper body massage at least once a year.
► Learn about and use “Trigger Point Therapy”, it is very helpful (see attached PDF).
► If an injury, take it easy and learn to live with the pain until the injury has healed—heat/cold, pain killers and Voltaren ointment helps.
Dealing with Upper Back, Neck and Shoulder Pain
For Temporary Localized Relief:
► Lie with your painful area on a 4”x6”x½” ceramic magnet (north side towards pain) for 10-20 minutes.
► Use a microwave heating pad (never an electric heating pad) on the painful muscles or cold on a sour joint. A general rule of thumb is to use cold for bone pain and heat (or a combination of heat and cold) for muscle pain.
► Gently use a “Massage Gun” on a low (½) setting on the painful area for at least 2 minutes when nothing else works.
► Rub Voltaren ointment into the painful area.
For Longer Lasting Pain Relief:
If your pain is caused by poor posture use a “Posture Corrector” to keep your back straight. My poor posture was eventually corrected using the product shown in the attached PDF. Unfortunately bad habits cause the pain to reoccur requiring the use of the posture corrector for about a week while working/watching TV to stop the pain.
A bonus; by correcting your posture you put less strain on your lower back, reducing the reoccurrence of lower back and hip pain, especially if you have lumbar stenosis.
For pain caused by weakened/cramped neck and shoulder muscles there is an effective way to relieve that pain if it isn’t from an injury. This stretching exercise can be painful, so first use heat or rub Voltaren on the painful areas and wait a few minutes. Next, lay flat on your stomach, legs straight and slightly apart with the painful shoulder arm straight and above your head with your other arm lying comfortably on the bed. Lay your head very flat on the bed facing away from the painful shoulder and relax. You should feel pain in your neck and shoulder muscles while stretching those weak/cramped muscles for 5 to 10 minutes (or when the pain disappears). When done, after a few minutes your neck and shoulder pain should be noticeably less, if not gone.
Note: if you don’t have a clock/stopwatch to time these stretching exercises use breathing as your timer. About 7 to 10 slow deep breaths takes about a minute: time yourself to see how many slow deep breaths it takes for your one minute. The slow deep breaths also helps your muscles relaxed—remember you are doing these exercises to relieve your pain, not to see how quickly you can get through them—pain doesn’t care about your schedule.
Trigger points in the upper back and shoulders cause neck and shoulder pain and weakness in the arms—it is sometimes misdiagnosed as angina. Massage your scapular (shoulder blade) trigger points (it is best to do it with a massage gun) to help relieve the pain. An important trigger point is in the armpit/rib area of your painful shoulder/weak arm. It is easy to find because it causes excruciating pain once you find and press on it. To lower that trigger point massage pain, rub some Voltaren on it, wait a few minutes and then gently massage it for a few minutes, incrementally adding as much pressure as you can stand until the trigger point pain is mostly gone—it will take a few minutes, a few times a day for a few days. It is less painful to do this with a “Massage Gun” on ½ setting with increasing pressure until the trigger point pain is gone. Once the trigger point is “smashed” the shoulder pain and arm weakness should subside after a few days of massage. Unfortunately, due to bad habits, that pain will eventually come back and you will need to massage that armpit trigger point again, but each time you do the trigger point pain lessens. Eventually (months) that trigger point will disappear along with your shoulder pain and arm weakness—this is not a quick cure, but it’s the only thing that works.
If the back of your neck is stiff there MAY be a painless way to resolve it other than a “Posture Corrector” or doing the stretching exercises above. Lay flat on your stomach with the edge of the mattress across your shoulders and your head freely hanging over the side. Relax—if not relaxed this will not work—and take 10 slow deep breaths to allow your neck vertebra to stretch out. If this works for you, great: if not, try something else like a heating pad.
Dealing with “Mysterious Chest Pain”
Chest pain occurs in about 75% of the population, but only 3% of the population has heart attacks—thus, chest pain is not a great predictor of heart attacks. About 5% of the population experience trigger point pain in the sternalis muscles (muscles around the sternum) and a higher percentage of the population from trigger points in other chest muscles near the sternum. Sternalis muscle trigger point pain actually feels like a heart attack because it is located directly over the heart. I get that kind of pain once or twice a year and resolve it with trigger point massage. You don’t have to be an expert in “Trigger Point Therapy" to relieve that pain (along with your very real fears of a heart attack). More than a decade ago I started using Trigger Point Therapy to lesson the occurrence and severity of my gout attacks. Along the way I noticed that massaging chest muscle trigger points relieved the chest pain that felt like a heart attack.
The reason why I am discussing this mysterious pain is because it can have very nasty repercussions. My sister felt that pain and went to the hospital because she thought she was having a heart attack. Unfortunately, the physicians could not find the reason for her pain—most physicians don’t have a clue about Trigger Point Pain. While in the hospital she contracted sepsis, was extremely ill in the hospital for days and very weak for many days after she left the hospital. She still had the chest pain and called me about it. I told her to find and massage the painful trigger points on the both sides of her sternum simultaneously. She did for a minute, it was quite painful, but the chest pain disappeared immediately—enough said.
I hope that this pearl can help you with your upper body, neck and shoulder pain—something that can seem impossible to resolve—but it can be resolved or at least reduced. The third and final part of this pain series deals with TMJ pain and will arrive next month.
2024 Practice ResolutionsDo you have any 2024 new year's resolutions for your practice? Are they realistic enough to be attained? Do you have a practical way to attain them? Maybe this pearl can help. Refer to the attachment for more information.
What is GRAVITY?
Do you know that the mass of the universe is mostly from the atom’s neutrons and protons? Do you know where gravity comes from? If interested you might find this pearl enlightening.
Since almost all of the masses that gravity attracts consist of the masses of protons and neutrons in atoms, it seems probable that the Gravitational Force (GF) is an extension of the Strong Nuclear Force (SNF) that hold the protons and neutrons together.
I propose that gravity transitions from the SNF to the GF outside an atom’s nucleus, but within the atom’s radius.
For a more complete explanation of the SNF to GF transition refer to the attached PDF “The Gravitational Force”.
ENJOY being grounded! Dealing with Pain, Part-3: TMJ Pain
Do you suffer from TMJ (temporomandibular jaw) pain? Does someone close to you or do your patients suffer from TMJ pain? Are you interested in finding possible ways of reducing/eliminating that TMJ pain? If so, this pearl might help.
Disclaimer
This is the final part of this three-part pain series, which deals with TMJ pain. The opinions stated here are based on over 50 years of personal research and what has and has not worked for my client’s patients, my acquaintances and me. This is an offering to get you thinking outside of the “pill box” and possibly resolve the root of your pain instead of covering it up with medications—medications are helpful, but they are not the only way to resolve your TMJ pain. There are no guarantees that any of this will work for you and some might give you adverse affects, which tells you what NOT to do—but it’s worth a try if what you are now doing is not helping.
Statistics
Most dentists and their staff do not suffer from TMD (temporomandibular dysfunction) that causes TMJ pain, but they treat many patients that do. Ten to 12% of the US population (40 million) suffers from mild to severe TMJ pain that can affect all aspects of their life. Mild to severe TMJ pain can cause discomfort and limit your ability to perform normal activities such as eating, speaking, and even sleeping. TMJ pain can be constant, intermittent, dull or sharp, especially when chewing, yawning, laughing or talking.
Everybody gets headaches and 17% of the US population requires a physician’s help to deal with them. Also, 17% of women and 5.6% of men suffer from migraines, 2% of the US population suffers from benign brain tumors and less than 1% of the US population suffers from cancerous brain tumors—none of these types of headaches will be discussed here and needs to be diagnosed by your physician if you have them.
What is the TMJ?
TMJ pain is actually caused by TMD (Temporo-Mandibular Dysfunction), but most people refer to TMD as TMJ. As the name suggests, the Temporo-Mandibular Joint is the joint between the temporal bone and mandibular (jaw) bone. As the diagram below on the left shows, the tip of the jawbone (mandible) is called the “condyle” and the temporal bone socket that it fits into is called the “fossa”. A “Disc” cushions the condyle and fossa and there are nerves and blood flowing through that area. There are numerous muscles associated with the TMJ as shown in the right diagram and they can be painful with TMD.
According to my new-age chiropractor, Dr. Matthew Bauman, there are two other muscles affecting the TMJ: the Stylohyoid and Omohyoid. The stylohyoid muscle is attached from the hyoid bone to the skull and the Omohyoid muscle is attached from the hyoid bone to the scapula (shoulder blade).
When larger groups of muscles in the head and neck are not in balance they completely overwhelm the stylohyoid and omohyoid muscles, making them tense and compressing the TMJ, causing pain and inflammation. Tense muscles are tight and can’t properly function due to muscle fiber disorientation, anoxia from compressed arteries, and traumatic peripheral nerve injury. Thus, when evaluating muscles related to the TMJ, these two muscles should also be taken into account. Manipulation of the stylohyoid and omohyoid and other TMJ muscles by a new-age chiropractor can bring them back into balance, allowing them to heal and function properly, relieving/reducing TMD pain.
Types of “TMD”
► TMJ muscular dysfunction
► Disc dislocation or deterioration
► Jaw locked open or closed
► Clenching or grinding your jaws due to excessive stress or adverse habits
Causes of TMJ Pain
► Diet allergies
► Weak, tense TMJ muscles from grinding/clenching your teeth
► Trauma to the TMJ muscles, tendons, nerves, and bone
► Deterioration or slipping of the TMJ “disc”
► Malocclusion of teeth, offsetting the TMJ
► All of the above
Dealing with TMD and TMJ Pain
I had suffered with severe TMD in the 1960’s and 1970’s. In 1980 Dr. Chuck Hulsey (an orthodontist specializing in TMD) and I organize the “Holistic Dental Association”, whose main purpose was to effectively treat TMJ pain using both traditional and non-traditional therapies. This pearl includes some of the therapies that we used then and new therapies that also work.
► Diet and food allergies are a significant cause of TMJ pain. If you know that you are allergic to certain foods write them down. To find out which foods might cause your TMJ pain keep a log of when you have TMJ pain and all of the foods you have eaten in the past 12 hours. Do this for a month or so and then look for a pattern to find the foods to avoid. Some foods are obvious and some are difficult to determine; the obvious ones must be avoided. These allergic foods may also cause skin rashes, eczema, and the like, which should also be logged. In rare cases you may have a yeast infestation that is causing all of your problems and if so, you must get rid of it by limiting carbohydrates (especially sugars) and using “complete” probiotics. Refer to the book “The Yeast Syndrome” 1986, by John Parks Trowbridge, MD for information and therapies. I had this problem and I resolved it after 2.5 months of a restrictive diet; it was one of the best things I ever did for my health.
► "Iron" your TMJ-related muscles by pressing your fingers against the sides of your head, starting from the top of your Temporalis muscles down through the Pterygoid muscles to the bottom of your Masseter muscles (see diagram above). Do this whenever you are in pain until the pain subsides. Basically, you are getting rid of trigger points and muscle/fascia tightness. You might also try using a Massage Gun for a few minutes instead of your fingers going down the side of your head. If this doesn’t help, maybe your stylohyoid and omohyoid muscles need treatment by a new-age chiropractor, or you might have disc problems that need to be evaluated.
► Be aware of and stop grinding/clenching your teeth while awake. Wear a night guard while sleeping to relax your jaw muscles and stop the wearing of your lower teeth and upper arch cingulum.
► Get “Splint Therapy” from a local orthodontist who treats a lot of TMD.
► See a “new-age chiropractor” who deals with TMJ pain. The evaluation might also indicate other dysfunctional body areas that need to be addressed that might exacerbate your TMJ pain.
► Go to a “pain clinic” and have them analyze your problem if nothing else works. ► If you need TMJ Disc surgery, have it evaluated and find a surgeon to do it.
► Use Bio-Magnetic Therapy on your TMJ. My new-age chiropractor has determined that my “Bio-magnetic TMJ Device” helps to relax and heal the TMJ muscles, making their manipulation more effective. It fits over your
 head and applies a bio-magnetic field to your TMJ muscles. His patients wear the device before he manipulates the TMJ muscles/arteries/nerves and they also wear it at home when they get TMJ pain. I had a chance to test it on my painful TMJ caused by the wrong night guard. I put it on for three hours on day one, two hours the next and one hour the next day. By day four the TMJ pain was gone and didn’t return. This device can also be used with Splint Therapy and it also makes a great intermittant pain reliever. Not every body would get the same results as I did, but it could help.
I hope that this discussion on TMD and TMJ pain was helpful and gave you more ways of dealing with your TMJ pain or the TMJ pain of
those close to you. I also hope that this entire pain series has helped you, your acquaintances and your patients to relieve their pain.
Dealing with Pain, Part-1: Lower Back, Hip and Lower Body Pain
Do you suffer from lower back, hip or leg pain? If so, are you dealing with it as effectively as possible? Whether this type of pain is your present or future problem, you may want to better understand what you are dealing with and what you might do about it.
This pearl is the first in a three-part series for dealing with the kind of pain that most dentists and their staff are plagued with; it also applies to everybody with body pain. Part-1 will deal with lower back, hip and leg pain and spinal stenosis, a problem for too many workers. Pearl-2 will deal with upper body, shoulder and neck pain, another type of suffered by dental staff and clerical workers. Part-3 will deal with TMJ pain, suffered by many.
Disclaimer
The opinions stated here are based on over 50 years of personal research and what has and has not worked for my clients, my acquaintances and me. This is an offering to get you thinking outside of the “pill box” and possibly resolve the root of your pain instead of only covering it up with medications—medications are helpful, but they are not the only path you could take to resolve your pains. There are no guarantees that any of this will work for you and some may have adverse affects, like all medications, which tells you what NOT to do, but it’s worth a try if what you are now doing isn’t helping you.
See the attached PDF for devices that can be used to help reduce your lower body pain. There are also many other products/services available on line that you can use.
Statistics
More than 70% of US dentists suffer from chronic lower back hip and leg pain. Many also suffer from spinal stenosis, but to a lesser percentage of their population. Eighty percent of the entire US population and 40% of clerical workers suffer from occasional back pain, with 5% suffering from chronic lower back pain. Eleven percent of the US population under 50 years and 20% over 50 years suffer from spinal stenosis. Thirty-nine percent of the US population suffers from lower limb pain. Forty-three percent of the US population is obese and suffer mild to severe lower back pain. Thus, lower back, hip and lower limb pain has become an epidemic in the US, especially among dentists, clerical workers and obese people.
There is Hope
I have been dealing with lower back, hip and leg pain (caused by: gymnastic injuries, bad habits, etc.) for over half a century and I have developed painful lumbar stenosis over the last decade. I also have occasional upper back, shoulder pain and neck. Being a doctor of bioengineering and a strong director, I seek out the cause of my maladies and try to resolve them—that’s my thing and I am usually successful. Much of what I have discovered over the past six decades comes from my own research and experimentation plus the knowledge and experiences of others. But let’s face it, you couldn’t care less about any of this if you are in pain. What you do care about is what causes your pain and what you can do to relieve it. If you are in pain, you may be aware of what is presented here—but it is the purpose of this pearl to give you more tools to be able to deal with your pain. There is a great deal in this 3-part pearl series about avoiding/releaving body pain—some or all of it may apply to you and/or those you love.
Causes of Lower Back Pain
► Unhealthy sitting or standing positions while working (twisted and/or bent over, slouching, etc.) ► Sitting or standing in the same position for hours ► Driving in a laid back or forward body position ► Sitting with bulky things (wallets, cell phones, etc.) in your back pockets ► Slouching when standing, sitting or walking instead of keeping your spine straight ► Walking/jogging/running with your hands in your pockets or while holding weights, which is contrary to natural walking with your unburdened arms swinging freely at your sides, which keeps your spine healthy. ► Spinal injuries, torn ligaments, weakened muscles, old age, etc. ► Spinal (usually lumbar) stenosis ► "Pelvic tilting" when one hip is higher or lower than the other ► "Pelvic twisting" when your hips are rotated out of a healthy position ► Obesity, which causes spinal compression and mild to severe hip and spinal pain ► Tight belt, pants or underwear, which causes leg innervation problems, numbness and pain in your legs ► Trigger points that cause lower back, hip and leg pain.
After observing thousands of dentists and their clinical and clerical assistants for over 50 years it is obvious that many they don’t sit/stand properly when treating patients, which causes their upper and lower back pain. Clinically, it is best to sit/stand behind the patient or as much in front of the patient as possible to avoid twisting your pelvis. It is also important to keep your back straight and keep the shoulders pushed back to take the pressure off of your lower back (a posture corrector helps with this). Try to avoid leaning to one side to avoid tilting your pelvis, making one leg shorter/longer than the other. Dentists/assistants who work on the right side of the patient in the chair tend to tilt their pelvis down on the left side and twist it clockwise from left to right. This causes lower back pain; and if you also have lumbar stenosis the pain it's unbearable—many people don’t even know that they have spinal stenosis until they have a spinal MRI. This pelvic tilting/twisting can also be a result of sleeping on only one side for many years.
Personally, after 40 years of sleeping on my left side (due to a blocked left sinus) I tilted my pelvis down on the left side and twisted it clockwise (similar to dentist/staff, golfers, tennis, etc., tilting/twisting), causing lower back pain for decades and exacerbating my recently developed spinal stenosis. To deal with this I had my nephew, a state of the art chiropractor, reviewed my MRI and examined me. He adjusted my pelvic tilting/twisting, but it came back quickly. We eventually decided to use “wedges” (see attached PDF) and found the ideal wedge positions for me—we attached the wedges to a board to keep them in place. I then laid with my hips on that “Wedge-Board" for 20 minutes a day for 30 days and corrected the severe pelvic tilting/twisting. Even though I corrected that tilting/twisting, it keeps coming back so I do weekly maintenance by laying on my Wedge-Board for about 5-10 minutes. Today (two years later), I wouldn’t have been able bend over or possibly even walk without excruciating pain if I hadn’t corrected the pelvic tilting/twisting—the fact is, I don’t have much lumbar/stenosis pain now; and when I do I resolve it.
A note! If your pain is on your right side your pelvic tilting is probably down on the left and pelvic twisting is from left to right. If your pain is on your left side your pelvic tilting is probably down on the right and pelvic twisting is from right to left.
Bottom line: if you have pelvic tilting/twisting you need to resolve it or else learn to live with your ongoing pain.
Possible Ways to Avoid Your Lower Back, Hip & Lower Body Pain:
Please note: some of these remedies provide temporary relief in minutes (Voltaren, Trigger Point Massage, stretching exercises, etc.) and some provide long-term relief, but take days for your entire body to adjust (Habits Correction, Posture Correction, Wedge-Board, related exercises, etc.).
► Avoid putting anything in your back pockets (no wallets, cell phones, etc.); they will tilt/twist your pelvis when you sit for long periods of time. ► Avoid hunching over; sit as upright as possible with your shoulders back—use a “Posture Corrector" if needed (see attached PDF). Wearing it for 4-5 hrs/day can help with the pain, since there are many body adjustments going on and it takes a few days to work. The main purpose of the posture corrector is to reduce upper back, shoulder and neck pain, but being upright also takes the pressure of your lower back. ► When driving, sit up straight: the back of the seat and you should be mostly straight up (don’t hunch forward or lay backward)—this will take the pressure off of your lower back and reduce that "getting out of the car pain". ► When walking, keep your shoulders back, head up and looking mostly ahead and walking with your arms naturally swinging at your side. Don’t shuffle, walk naturally from heal to toe (i.e., there should be no "slapping sound" or "shuffling sound" of your shoes). Walk at a natural pace to keep you upright—this will also help you get over a fear of falling. If using a walker, consider it a safety divice and not a means of support—again, walk heal to toe with your shoulders back and head looking forward. ► Avoid sleeping on just one side, switch throughout the night if possible. But, if you notice that sleeping on one side causes lower back pain the next day, try to avoid sleeping on that side for a while to see if it helps. ► Avoid watching TV/phone or reading in one position for more than an hour—get up and move around. One of the big disadvantages of using a TV remote is that you don’t have to get up during the commercials; you can just switch channels or fast-forward a recorded show for hours on end. This equally applies to cell phone usage.
Three Important Stretching Exercises to do Upon Awakening Daily to Lessen your Daily Pain:
I do these stretching exercises (which takes 1 to 2 minutes) every morning when I get up. Doing this, my lower back, hip, leg pain and spinal stenosis pain is almost nonexistent, except when I sit in one place for hours and need to resolve the pain it causes.
1) Stretch your groin adductor muscles that painfully pull on your pelvis (and also cause knee pain). Stand next to your bed in your bare feet and do a “side split” with your feet facing forward and with your hands on the bed (for vertical support) at a comfortable width apart. Take at least six deep breaths and with each deep breath slide your feet a little wider, getting closer to the floor and stretching your adductor muscles more with each breath—you should feel less lumbar and knee pain when done.
2) If you tend to trip over your toes when walking it is probably due to tight calf muscles tilting your toes down—this also occurs when using a walker; making you rely on it for balance instead of for safety. Even if that is not a problem, stiff calf muscles pull on your pelvis causing pain. To resolve this you need to stretch your calf muscles. While standing next to your bed and with your hands on the bed for vertical support, a straight body and your feet flat on the floor behind you; take six deep breaths and with each breath bend your elbows and thus your straight body further down—make sure that your heels stay on the floor. You should feel more strain on your calf muscles with each breath. You should also feel less lumbar pain when done.
3) Bend over to open up your spine. Bend over with your knees bent and the tips of your fingers touching the floor. Take six slow deep breaths and as you exhale straighten your legs a little. Do this until your legs are straight or you can't straighten them any more—if you get a “pop” in your spine while doing this your pain will be much relieved. Note: wearing a “Posture Corrector” for 3-5 hrs/day for a few days will allow you to bend over much further; it also reduces the "straightening up" pain.
When RETIRING for the day, you might correct Pelvic Tilting/twisting:
You might also be able to resolve moderate pelvic “tilting/twisting” without a chiropractor or wedge-board. Before going to bed, without socks, sit on the floor with your entire upper and lower back flat up against a wall and your legs stretched out in front of you. Next, notice whether your ankle bones are in line—if not in line, the leg whose ankle bone is closest to your body will be your short leg—it is, probably was and probably will be your short leg for the rest of your life. Now that you know which leg is your short leg, you can probably correct it as you rest. Lay flat on your front on your bed with your legs straight and slightly apart. If your left leg is shorter place the wrist/palm of your left hand just below your left hip bone on the bed, pushing it up. If your right leg seems shorter place the wrist/palm of your right hand below your right hip bone on the bed, pushing it up. Lie in this position for at least 60 minutes—actually, it works better if you just fall asleep because you will naturally change positions later on. The pain from the pelvic tilting should eventually subside—if not repeat the exercise the next evening or when that pain returns—if none of this works and your legs are an inch or more apart you need a chiropractic visit.
Other Helpful things for Temporary relieve your lower back, hip and lower body pain:
► Rub Voltaren ointment into the painful area for temporary localized relief. ► Lie with your painful hip area on a 4” by 6” by ½” thick ceramic magnet (north side towards body) for about 5 to 10 minutes for localized relief (see attached PDF). ► Gently use a “Massage Gun” (see attached PDF) on a low setting on the entire area surrounding the pain for at least 2 minutes for relief when nothing else works; a microwave heating pad also helps. ► Get a deep tissue full body massage at least once a year. ► Learn about and use “Trigger Point Therapy”, it is very helpful (see attached PDF) ► Do daily lower back exercises to keep your lower back and leg mussels supple and not pulling on your joints (see attached PDF). ► Get serious? Find a “state-of-the-art” chiropractor and get evaluated immediately or as needed, hopefully with a spinal MRI—the initial evaluation and correction is most important. If you have a tilted/twisted pelvis design a “Wedge-Board” and use it as needed. ► For spine and joint pain, try “Guided Lumbar Epidural Corticosteroid” injections (steroid injections) to provide pain relief within 24-48 hours—unfortunately, it doesn’t last very long. Radio Frequency Ablation (RFA) takes the same amount of time to work but last for months if done properly. RFA also treats larger areas of the body than standard Corticosteroid injections. If either method provides long-lasting results for you—great! But if not, it is better to avoid or correct the problem then it is to try and mask it with temporary drug therapy or nerve damage. ► If you are obese, lose the excess weight. If your lower spine is compressed due to obesity or bad habits, stretch it. Lie on a high bed or table with the edge of the bed/table resting comfortably on your upper lumbar area and your legs dangling. Gravity will pull on your legs and stretch your lower back, opening up your spine and relieving the spinal compression after about 2 to 5 minutes—this may not work for everybody, but it is worth a try and it feels good when done. It also helps if you can hang relaxed (not tensed) from a high bar (with legs dangling) for a few minutes. ► If you have leg pain, tingling, numbness or dysfunction it can be caused by tightness around your waist. Belts, pants or tight elastic underwear can press on your "belt" area and cut off blood and innervation to your lower body, causing leg pain, tingling, numbness or dysfunction. This problem is exacerbated if you have a protrusive stomach or excessive waist body fat. To help resolve this, loosen your belt (or wear suspenders) and/or wear “comfort-waist” pants that expand. It also helps to cut your underwear elastic half way down (on front, back and sides) to relieve that kind of pressure on your lumbar area. Also, if you get leg cramps it can be caused by a calcium plus vitamin-D deficiency. ► If you have gout pain in your feet or big toe, smash the trigger points in your shin muscles to relieve that pain. You might also find help with gout pain by clicking on this link.
I hope that this pearl can help you with your lower back, hip and lower body pain; something that sometimes seems impossible to resolve—but it can be resolved or at least reduced. Try as many therapies as possible until you find what works for you after a few days. The next pearl in this series will deal with upper back, shoulder and neck pain.
Dealing With Extreme Emotions, Part-IV, Sorrow and DespairDo you find it difficult to deal with sad or depressed people? Do you find it difficult to deal with your own sadness? If so, maybe this pearl can help reduce the sadness or despair/depression experienced daily. Welcome to Part-IV of this five-part series dealing with calming down the sadness or despair in yourself and others. People displaying sorrow can descend into despair or depression, especially when they are disconnected from their finances or their loved connections. People who experience a tragic loss are difficult to help, but you can at least give them support with your relator style to momentarily get them through it. Anybody can get depressed, but genetically strong relators tend to get more depressed and genetically strong directors tend to get less depressed. What causes Sorrow, Depression or Despair?
The left amygdala stores our sorrow memories. Sensory input triggers these sorrow memories (in 50 ms) along with sensory memories in the sensory cortex (in 100 ms)—these sensory memories also trigger related relator memories in the left frontal cortex. When sorrow is triggered, the amygdala wipes the pre-frontal cortex (PFC) clear of what it is presently dealing with and scans those relator memories to find the reason for the sorrow (in 500 ms). If not found, new sensory input will re-trigger the amygdala and other relator memories to sort it out. But if the feeling of disconnection is great, the amygdala will quickly re-trigger that sorrow before rational memories can be accessed, continuing or elevating that sorrow. And if not firing too quickly, that sorrow can be rationally re-triggered by strong relator memories about that loss, causing despair or depression.
The evolutionary purpose of the relator style in the left frontal cortex is: to maintain our connections. The evolutionary purpose of sorrow is: to alert us to a disconnection from our connections. Genetically strong relators have an excitable left (sorrow) amygdala and can find disconnection in almost anything, triggering mild sorrow to despair/depression. When sorrow is re-triggered by unresolved strong relator memories the sorrow can descend to despair/depression. If the disconnection is from an unimportant connection the sorrow is simple to alleviate, but when disconnected from an important connection (a lost loved one, etc.) that sorrow already has descended into despair/depression, which could last for years—because they can’t reconnect with a dead person. Some strong relators find disconnection in indifference—they erroneously think that when another person seems indifferent to them that they are disconnected. The bottom line is that you should assure them that there is no disconnection or distract them from a real disconnection.
When someone uses their relator style their reactions are governed by the following others-serving motivations:
1) Only other’s Opinions matter (momentarily) 2) Only other’s Needs matter (momentarily) 3) Only other’s Decisions matter (momentarily)
When someone is a strong relator, these motivations control their daily reactions, their daily lives. When the sorrowful person is a strong relator (which is typically the case) there are many relator memories to support or elevate that sorrow to despair, making it very difficult to calm them. If the sorrowful person is genetically a weak relator there are fewer relator memories controlled by these motivations to support/elevate that sorrow, making it easier to quell—especially if that person is a strong director with totally opposite motivations.
Lifting up a Sorrowful person:
When you are not the cause of their disconnection the sorrowful person is using their relator memories and motivations to reconnect with someone/something who is not there to help them, which can cause them to descend deeper into despair/depression. There is little you can do about this other than distract them and/or support their need to feel some kind of reconnection to something. When you are the cause of their disconnection, the sorrowful person is using these motivations to reconnect with you, making your needs and opinions more important then their own. This gives you the ability to use your relator style and its motivations to reconnect with them. Unfortunately, this is difficult to do when you are a weak relator (especially when you are a strong director with opposite motivations), which is why “stepping outside yourself” is an important tool. Thus, when you are the cause of their disconnection it is your job to help them get back rational (PFC) control by sequentially lifting them up using the following procedure to “step outside yourself” and concentrate on their needs and opinions, not yours:
1) While looking them straight in the eye at their eye level, ask them to “please take a deep breath” as you also take a deep breath. This distraction should calm them and you a little and reduce the physical distress from shallow breathing.
2) Clear your mind of any opinions or rational emotions about that disconnection. Look into their eyes and carefully ask them why they are so sad and allow their PFC to find the reason for their sadness and possibly quell it. 3) Only focus on what the other person is saying to discover the cause of their sorrow. Fully hear that person out (saying nothing) no matter how long it takes, to allow them to gain more control. 4) Wait at least five seconds after they are done speaking to support the aspects of their rational that you agree with—don’t be judgmental (stay outside of yourself). This will calm them a little more. 5) Then, stop talking and while looking them in the eyes allow them to say anything else—without prompting or commenting on it—simply wait for them to calm down. 6) Compassionately look them in the eyes and say nothing until they calm themselves if their sorrow elevates and they won’t calm down—this may take a while so be patient.
There are a lot of steps to remember here, but most of the time you can calm then only using steps 1), 2), 3), and possibly 4).
Calming Yourself Down when in Despair—NOT easy to do—get help:
1) Take a deep breath and concentrate on that breath
2) Ask yourself why that connection was so important to you. 3) Take another deep breath. 4) Think about why you miss that connection. 5) Think about why your life might be better without that connection. 6) Treat your self to something you like. Throughout this sequence you are allowing sorrowful people to calm down enough to release their PFC from sorrow’s control so that they can sort out and quell that sorrow and move on. Hopefully, they will have an understanding of what causes that sorrow and can get past it in the moment and possibly forever. This is especially true when you are the cause of that sorrow and can provide positive information to help them get past it. I hope that Part-IV has helped you to understand how to deal with people in the grip of sorrow/depression/despair. In Part-V we will discuss how to calm down people who are being controlled by excessive joy, which can elevate to mania and the total loss of mental and physical control. Your Joyful LIfe
Did you ever realize that you were living a “joyful life”? Do you know what your joyful life is? Does your life dwell more on your positive or more on your negative connections? Maybe this pearl can help you understand what your joyful life really is and give you the ability to live a more positive, happier life.
What is Joy?
Joy is one of our four basic emotions (anger, fear, joy & sorrow) whose survival purpose is “to alert us to our possible connections” (connections are important to us: people, stuff, etc.) and triggers socializer memories about that connection. It may seem absurd (especially for weak socializers) that joy is our most used emotion, but it’s true. Since joy alerts us to any possible connection, we continuously express it through the day to a greater or lesser degree. Every person and every object we sense is a possible connection. If it isn’t a connection we dismiss it and move on to considering another possible connection, on and on.
When you think of all of the things/people you sense in a day your joy would seem endless if not oppressive. Luckily, the joy that you feel (the epinephrine surge in your heart) may or may not be triggered depending on the sensory information you consider. Here is how it works:
 1…Sensory neurons send sensory data to the thalamus.
2…The thalamus slightly increases the excitation of a joy memory in the amygdala (indicating a possible connection), but it is NOT excited enough to trigger a joy reaction.
3…The thalamus simultaneously excites sensory memories with that sensory data, which excite rational socializer memories, making them available to the PFC for consideration.
4…If enough sensory memories are excited (indicating a true connection) they excite that joy memory’s neurons enough to trigger a joy reaction. Also, the rational socializer memories connected to those sensory memories are made available to the PFC to sort out the reason for the joy, quell it and move on.
5…The amygdala also sends a surge of epinephrine to the heart as it wipes the PFC clear to consider only those connected socializer memories.
When only a few sensory memories fire, steps 4 & 5 never happen—it’s not a connection and there’s no joy or epinephrine surge in the heart.
If the above description is difficult to follow—maybe an analogy will help. Think of your rational and emotional memories as DVD’s, your PFC as a DVD player and your sensory memories as a DJ that selects the DVD’s to play. Thus, sensory data excite sensory memories that select which emotional and rational DVD’s (memories) to play and the PFC plays them; simple.
The more important a connection is to us the more sensory, emotional and rational neurons are fired. Increased sensory data fire more sensory memories that excite/fire more socializer memories, producing a greater excitation of the joy memory that results in a greater surge of epinephrine in the heart. This is also a measure of our “Joyful Love”—the more we love someone/something the more sensory, joy and socializer memories are fired and the greater the surge of epinephrine in our heart.
Immediately after the joy is triggered, related socializer memories determine whether it is a positive or negative connection. The joy can be intense, and the more intense it is the more important that connection is to us whether positive or negative—it’s a social survival mechanism. Sometimes those socializer memories represent both positive and negative experiences with that connection and we aren’t sure how to react to them, especially when they might trigger our anger or fear.
Most people equate joy with happiness and the dictionary defines happiness as: “enjoying, showing or marked by pleasure, satisfaction or joy”. I am defining “happiness” here as: “when we dwell on our positive socializer memories”, which contain our hopeful, optimistic, pleasurable and cheerful memories. Thus, to lead a happier life it is best to contemplate our positive socializer memories about our connections in lieu of angry director, fearful analyzer or sorrowful relator memories about them.
How Positive and Negative Joy affects Your Happiness
The socializer memories that are connected to a joy memory determine our relationship with that connection. If he/she is a loved one, the daily joy they evoke can be meager to immense, depending on how long it’s been since we last saw them. Thus the phrase, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is actually true, but it refers to the level of the epinephrine surge in our hearts.
The more positive socializer memories you share with a connection the greater your joyful love will be with them; thus joyful love increases with time and positive experiential memories. When having these positive joyful moments, try dwelling on them and resist replacing them with task-related thoughts or negative thoughts. It has been proven that people who lead a more positive joyful life live happier, healthier and longer lives.
The more negative socializer memories you share with a connection the more limited your joyful love, which decreases with time and negative thoughts. When you have these joy-triggered negative moments it is best to quickly dismiss them (tell yourself to “shut up”) and think about the positive experiences that you have had with that connection. But, if that negative connection is too painful to deal with it is better to avoid them until that pain has diminished. The fact is, the more you dwell on any negative memory the more you will experience a loveless and unhealthy life. Bottom line: negative thoughts darken our lives while positive thoughts brighten our lives, so as the song goes, “…you have to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative…”
What is a Life Without Joy?
Sensory memories either trigger or prevent joy and their attached socializer memories. And the more sensory neurons that fire the greater will be your joy. There is though the other extreme of joy that’s worth mentioning—what might be called a “joyless void”. When joy recognizes a positive connection it creates a chain of positive socializer memories about that connection. That chain starts with the recognition of that positive connection and then branches off to other positive memories related to them—but what if that chain is completely broken?
For example, you might be traveling through a town that you have traveled to many times where positive connections exist. As you pass through you might conger up joyful socializer memories about visiting someone that you have a strong positive connection with. But when you realize that that positive connection no longer lives there you will then go down that chain to positive memories about other connections (people or places) in that town that you might want to visit—the socializer style motivates you to seek out connections. But if every connection in that town is gone your chain of joyful thoughts is broken and you will end up in a “joyless void”. This void is opposite to the happiness you felt when those connections were there. This void creates hopelessness that may last for seconds or be dispelled with other thoughts—but while it lasts it is truly devastating. I was wondering if this joyless void and disconnection is what plagues depressed people—and for more than just a few seconds.
The dictionary defines depression as: “a condition characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, and feelings of extreme sadness, dejection, and hopelessness”. That “joyless void” would create such a hopeless situation. Loss of all joy would make us feel dejected and hopeless, offering no positive recourse. And that total disconnection from our connections could create the ultimate sorrow. To get out of this void the depressed person might conger up positive socializer memories, which might not be easy to do, especially when there is no amygdala joy to naturally trigger those positive memories—thus, they have to be triggered rationally. To trigger them rationally the depressed person would have to consciously think positive thoughts and dwell on the positive joy that they bring—and being reminded of those positive experiences by others helps. Anything that dissuades them from of their “joyless void” and “sorrow of disconnection” can help—well, at least that seems plausible to me.
I am a right-brain person who is very strong in the angry “get it done” director style and strong in the joyful socializer style. Recently I was infected by some unknown insect that caused my left arm to swell up and turn yellow. It also affected my brain, creating “static in my head” and making me listless and mentally fatigued for weeks. I also lost my strong director drive to get things done and absolutely nothing gave me joy. After various therapies the brain static diminished and my “get it done” drive came back—my joy also came back and now I am my usual self. Unfortunately my natural anger also came back. I now look at this experience as a gift that allowed me to momentarily lead a life without anger (actually without any emotions). I never realized that my subtle anger was so obvious to others, but not to me. I now am much more aware of these subtle angry thoughts and try to immediately replace them with positive joyful thoughts—it’s not easy to do, but it works most of the time.
The Smiles Have It
Every emotion, whether basic or rational, has it’s own natural facial expression and there are specific eye muscles that only contract when we express basic (amygdala) joy. Joy automatically triggers a natural “smile of the eyes” that is engaging and makes others want to engage us; that’s why it exists survival-wise. Smiles are contagious, making us smile when others smile at us and making us love each other more, or at least dislike each other less. We will maintain that instantaneous smile, unless the excited socializer memories deem that connection to be negative, producing a “smile of the mouth” and a switch to the natural facial expression of the emotion that is rationally triggered (anger, fear, sorrow). There is also a bonus to a positive smile, it makes us more attractive to others…think about it—everybody who smiles is more attractive than those who frown.
I hope that this pearl about your joyful life has allowed you to see it in a more positive light and gives you clues about experiencing more joyful love. The final pearl in this four-part series is about "That Caring Feeling" and why we emotionally react the same to other’s good fortune and misfortune.
How Loving is your "Bright Side"?
Have you ever wondered what love is? Does love brighten your life? Do you want to experience more love in your life? Well maybe this pearl can help you to better understand love and possibly experience more of it.
Opposite to our angry “dark side” that contains our negative anger and director memories is our loving “bright side” that contains our positive relator and socializer memories. The dictionary defines love as: “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward another human; a sense of underlying oneness.” This is helpful to explain the oneness aspect of love, but it isn’t sufficient to explain the joyous aspect of neither love nor love’s overall genesis.
Most people categorize love with respect to what or who is loved, using such terms as: a parent’s love, the love for a pet or friend and even the love of inanimate objects such as cars, homes, foods, etc. Actually, almost anything we want to identify in loving terms is appropriate since love is both a concept and a feeling. As a concept, “love” can be used as a verb, noun, modifier or whatever we want it to be. As a feeling, love is identified with two emotions. The first is the basic (sensorially-triggered) emotion of joy (felt in your heart), which we will refer to as “Joyful Love”. The second is the rational (frontal cortices) emotion of love (felt in your brain), which we will refer to as “Bonding Love”—it’s that “oneness” referred to in the above definition of love.
We should also mention that what some refer to, as “sexual love” is actually “Sexual Lust” and not love at all. “Sexual Lust” is initially triggered when our joy recognizes a possible connection, which is followed by socializer memories (that are probably sexual in nature) about that connection, followed by a surge of testosterone or estrogen. Even though “Sexual Lust” is initially triggered by joyful recognition, “Sexual Lust” (felt in the groin) is eventually discriminated from “Joyful Love” (felt in the heart) and “Bonding Love” (felt in the brain).
“Joyful Love”
This is the most common source of love since it is wired into our amygdala and triggered by sensory input. The purpose of joy is: to alert us to a possible connection, which causes an epinephrine surge in our heart—this is probably why love is represented by a heart. The epinephrine surge is similar, whether that connection is positive or negative—it is just an alert to a possible connection. The more important that positive (or negative) connection is to us, the greater is the surge of epinephrine. When the positive connection is identified as a “loved one” that epinephrine surge can be immense. Once joy has alerted us to a possible connection our socializer memories sort out whether that connection is positive or negative. If negative, we avoid that connection and if positive we engage that connection. Fun Fact: so-called “love at first sight” is just intense joy, based on socializer memories that confuse that person with a loved one.
Joyful love is probably why some people feel that there are “levels” of love—because the epinephrine surge can be anything from considerable to immense. If you are genetically weak in joy and the socializer style you have fewer joy and socializer memories and most likely experience less joyful love than you could. This is especially true when you are also strong in the opposite fearful/analyzer style with many analyzer memories that make you distrust your feeling of joyful love.
Fortunately, it doesn’t matter what your socializer and analyzer style strengths, since the more you positively interact with and fortify your positive socializer memories (with a spouse, mate, child, parent, friend, etc.), the stronger that epinephrine surge will be when with them. Unfortunately, when you fortify your socializer memories about a negative connection it also elevates your epinephrine surge, possibly leading to anger or fear, which is probably why you naturally avoid them.
Joyful love starts building from a first positive experience with someone and increases with more. I recently became a grandfather and my wife and I have been taking care of our granddaughter, Abby, three days a week since she was three months old. Other than me enjoying her, it gave me an opportunity to experience the growth of her joyful love of me, which is reflected in Abby’s smile—our natural smile is the outward expression of our Joyful Love. At first she didn’t smile at me. Her smile grew with our interaction over the months to the point where she now gives me a huge smile and gets all excited with her arms and legs when we see each other—my smile and joyful love has also grown for her. Abby’s joyful love was pure, containing only positive socializer memories and no negative memories. Unfortunately building up our joyful love for someone that we have some negative memories of is not so fast or easy and the best way to deal with that is to ignore any negative memories and dwell on the positive memories.
Now that you understand what Joyful Love is, let’s move on to the lesser experienced but more powerfully felt Bonding Love. Keep in mind how to tell them apart: you feel Joyful Love in your heart and Bonding Love in your brain—think about that the next time you feel any kind of love. As mentioned, one aspect for identifying Joyful Love is that we smile, which is automatic with the joy reaction—of course, that smile turns to a frown when the connection is deemed negative.
“Bonding Love”
We experience Joyful Love much more than we experience Bonding Love since Bonding Love requires rational thinking instead of just sporadic sensory triggering. Bonding love involves rational relator memories and emotional sorrow, which seems odd but true. Our initial experience with bonding love is the natural oxytocin surge in the brain that bonds a mother and her newborn. Like joyful love, bonding love increases as the mother and child share experiences, which create similar/stronger rational relator memories. Actually, the more shared experiences we have with any person, the greater is the potential of sharing bonding love with them. But we may be getting ahead of ourselves—bonding love is complex unlike natural joyful love and needs a fuller explanation.
The purpose of bonding love is to connect (bond) us with another and think as one. Throughout life, sorrow (whose purpose is: to alert us to a disconnection), triggers our relator style (whose purpose is: to reconnect) because evolutionarily we need to stay connected to socially survive. But this reconnection/bonding isn’t guaranteed. To understand this we need to understand the relator style’s three motivations, which are programmed into our relator style’s frontal cortices; they are:
1) Only other people’s opinions matter (momentarily)
2) Only other people’s needs matter (momentarily)
3) Only other people's decisions matter (momentarily)
When two people simultaneously feel the sorrow of disconnection it triggers their relator style and these three motivations take over their thinking. This similar thinking (as if they are reading each other’s minds) makes them feel as one, bonded, which causes an oxytocin surge in their brains. If only one of the two feels the sorrow of disconnection there is no bonding, no oxytocin surge and thus no reconnection. This usually happens when an angry person causes the disconnection, stays angry and blocks their sorrow through rationalization, leaving the other person who felt the sorrow either wanting or not feeling disconnected any more if their sorrow was quelled.
If you are genetically weak in sorrow and the relator style, you have fewer sorrow memories to trigger sorrow and thus bonding love. This is especially true when you are also strong in the opposite angry/director style with many director memories that oppress your shared sorrow and bonding. If you are a strong director and especially if you are also weak relator, you can share sorrow and experience more bonding love if you work at it. You can create more relator memories by appreciating others—to do this, consider, check off and do the following:
[ ] You can instantly agree with whatever someone suggests—this reaction will negate your anger and related director memories.
[ ] You can be much less judgmental by considering only their point of view by ignoring your point of view.
[ ] You can make their needs important, momentarily forgetting your own and supporting theirs.
The shared sorrow of disconnection is the most prevalent trigger for bonding love, but bonding love can also be triggered without shared sorrow. Sorrow and relator memories actually have only one combined purpose, to share the same thoughts and bond, negating a disconnection. We can also get that bonding oxytocin surge when we instantly, simultaneously share the exact same thought as another. This may seem far-fetched, but it is true, especially in long lasting relationships. This “thought-sharing” bonding love is increased with the longevity of our relationships (no matter what our relator and director style strengths). This is because, over the years or decades, we share many repeated positive experiences that make us think similarly in a given situation. This gives us a greater chance to instantly think the same thoughts that evoke bonding love and that wonderful oxytocin surge.
Believe it or not, there is another, less common way that we can get that oxytocin surge and feel bonding love. We can purposefully use our relator motivations to truly appreciate (recognize the quality, significance, or magnitude of…) others, by making their actions meaningful to us. We can identify and sincerely thank someone for what they have done for us as he or she instantly recognizes our appreciation of them, thus sharing the same thought and bonding with us—try it, you’ll like it.
Bottom line for Bonding Love – Other than having a newborn, there are at least three ways to experience rational bonding love and feel that wonderful oxytocin surge:
1) The shared sorrow of disconnection can trigger bonding love when we truly reconnect with another.
2) We can bond with someone when we instantly share the same thoughts, no matter what those thoughts are.
3) We can purposefully, consistently use our relator memories to truly appreciate another for what they have done (or will do) for us—similar thinking as in 2) above.
Fun Energy Facts: 1) When we have an oxytocin rush in the brain or an epinephrine surge in the heart we clearly emanate positive emotional energy, probably radiated by the pineal gland. This “emotional energy” sharing might actually be what makes us feel bonded. 2) Antithetically, fear and anger emanate negative emotional energy, making us shun those emanating it.
I hope that this discussion helps you to understand what Joyful Love and Bonding Love are and provides you with a path to experiencing more love in your life.
How Angry is your "Dark Side"?
Is our “darkness” inherently wicked or evil—or is it just a consequence of our genetic and nurtured personality? Do you know what your potential for “darkness” is? Do you think that you have control over your potential darkness? Continue on if you are interested in what your potential for darkness is and how to enlighten yourself.
This will be the first part of a 4-part series dealing with the negative and positive aspects of our lives. Part-1 deals with your negative "Dark Side"; Part-2 with your positive "Bright Side", Part-3 with your "Joyful Life" and Part-4 with "That Caring Feeling". We will use "Genetic Human Personality" as the tool to analyze why we have a positive and a negative side.
The purpose of this Part-1 “darkness” discussion is to provide you with a tool for understanding and controlling your natural level of darkness, which your experiences have more or less nurtured. Important: this "Dark Side" discussion does not refer to so-called “insane” people who are born emotionally/rationally damaged, it only includes those of us so-called “sane” people (“appropriately reacting with reasonable, sound judgment”). Hopefully, you will understand your potential for darkness and realize that when you don’t react with your dark impulses that you are brightening up that darkness.
What is our “Darkness”?
The term “darkness” has many definitions, but the one referred to here is: exhibiting or stemming from evil characteristics or forces—sinister. There are many levels of this darkness, anything from just being: unpleasant, disagreeable, ornery, cantankerous or spiteful, to being: abusive, mean, hateful, nasty, cruel, malicious or evil. This gray-to-dark range of reactions is triggered by our rational director style memories. These memories were initially created by experiences that triggered anger and were nurtured, or not, by similar negative experiences. For example, we may have been wronged by someone, which created an anger memory of it. That anger memory could have intensified to hate by being wronged again by them, making us wish harm on or do harm to them. Or, that anger memory could have been subdued when that person apologized to us and we forgave them.
Since anger/hate and negative director memories is the root of our darkness, the stronger our anger/director style the higher our potential for darkness. When we are genetically strong in anger (and thus the director style), anger is easily expressed along with a proclivity to harm another. The purpose of anger is to “alert us to confrontation” and the purpose of the director style is “to deal with that confrontation”. Thus, the anger created by a particular experience has its attached director memories to deal with that situation. And if that angry situation is repeated it can intensify that emotional anger to rational hatred or rage.
On the other hand, our relator style is totally opposite to our director style and helps to modify it, lowering our potential darkness. The purpose of the relator style is “to reconnect with our connections” (connections are things important to us). Thus, our potential for darkness decreases when we are weak in the relator style and strong in the opposite director style. But why are they opposite and what affect do they have on our reactions? Our reactions are based on each style’s three genetic motivations:
1) When I use my director style “only my opinions are valid”—but when I use my relator style “only others opinions are valid”.
2) When I use my director style “only my needs are important”—but when I use my relator style “only the needs of others are important”.
3) When I use my director style “only my decisions matter”—but when I use my relator style “only other’s decisions matter”.
It is obvious that reacting with our relator style is much more altruistic (lighter) than reacting with our selfish director style (darker).
If unsure about your personality, use that attached PDF to determine “Your Personality Strengths and Weaknesses”. Important: if you are a genetically Strong-Director/Weak-Relator it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person; it just means that you don’t react as appropriately as you should when around others, which is something that you can learn to do.
Your Potential Darkness
As indicated above, your potential for darkness stems from a strong angry/director and weak sorrow/relator genetic personality. But that genetic darkness can be rationally modified by nurturing, making you darker or lighter. Negative nurturing experiences from our family and from the environment we grew up in create dark, negative memories, increasing our darkness. Positive nurturing experiences create positive relator memories, decreasing our darkness. Below is a test that you can use to determine your potential darkness—just check off your preferences and add up your {scores} to find out:
Rational Styles—are you a Genetically:
[ ] Weak Director/Strong Relator {0}
[ ] Strong Director/Strong Relator {2}
[ ] Strong-Director/Weak Relator {4}
Family—do you presently feel that you are?
[ ] Knowingly loved by your parents {0}
[ ] Belittled by one of your parents {2}
[ ] Belittled by all of your family {4}
Growing up—the family members and friends you gravitated towards were:
[ ] Mostly kind and open-minded {0}
[ ] Partly open-minded and partly hateful or racist {2}
[ ] Mostly angry, hateful or racist {4}
Mental or Physical Harm you have done to others—the number of people are:
[ ] None {0}
[ ] one to four {2}
[ ] Five to ten {4}
[ ] Many more than ten {8}
Add your scores for your potential darkness total = _____. If you had a score of:
0-6 = none to little darkness
7-11 = somewhat dark
12-15 = dark
16 to 20 = very dark
It may help to give you examples of this potential darkness to put it into social prospective. Hitler, Putin and all dictators and despots would have a score of 16-20; too many people in a government would probably have a score of 10–16; and, most people who devote their lives to helping others would probably have a score of 3–9, but their darkness could be higher and just not acted upon.
Modifying Your Potential Darkness
Now that you know your potential for darkness you might do something about it if you don’t like it! You should check off those below that apply to you below and do something about them:
[ ] Concentrate on reacting more with your caring relator memories and reacting less with your angry director memories.
[ ] Try to reconnect with your parents/family using your bonding relator style—or at least forgive them for how they negatively treated you.
[ ] Dispel memories of and/or disassociate yourself from the angry/hateful/racist people in your life or at least let them know that you are not interested in what they have to say.
[ ] Dispel thoughts about harming others who have wronged you and replace them with thoughts about the positive things that they did for you.
[ ] Try to "step outside yourself" and accept other’s opposite opinions, realizing that accepting doesn’t mean that you agree, it just means that you are open to a discussion that will most likely modify both of your opinions.
Our genetic rational and emotional strengths, weaknesses and memories determine our emotional and rational reactions, which are more or less appropriate (not good or bad, right or wrong).
Important, we can modify those natural personality strengths and weaknesses to lead a more appropriate life and lessen the potential for that darkness within us expressed.
Do you have "That Caring Feeling"?
Do you tear up when experiencing the misfortune of others? Do you express sorrow when experiencing the good fortune of others? Well, maybe this pearl can help you to understand what “That Caring Feeling” is, what causes it and how it might help you to experience more love in your life.
Who Cares? Well, maybe you should! “That Caring Feeling” is a proof that we are capable of caring. It is that welling up tearful feeling that we get when experiencing caring for others—it is the humanity that bonds us all. You probably experience it daily, but may not realize it. “That Caring Feeling” stems from our people-related relator style and its sorrow symbiotic emotion.
Definitions
The dictionary defines “caring” as: feeling and exhibiting concern (compassion) and empathy for others. As far as “That Caring Feeling” is concerned the emotional feeling part applies, but the empathy and compassion parts do not. Empathy and compassion are rational emotions triggered by our brain’s rational memories while “That Caring Feeling" is purely emotional, triggered by our amygdala’s sorrow memories, which we have little control over. Rationally understanding someone’s situation is not the same as emotionally experiencing someone’s situation.
What is “That Caring Feeling”?
I have tried to figure out for decades why I felt sorrow for someone’s good fortune. I thought like most people that I should feel joy when witnessing someone’s good fortune and feel sad when witnessing someone’s misfortune, but that’s not what happens with “That Caring Feeling”. We experience “That Caring Feeling” when witnessing any situation or any entity (including ourselves), actually caring about something. When we sense others caring about themselves or others it triggers the amygdala’s sorrow emotion. The sorrow triggered doesn’t care whether it is a happy or sad situation, that’s the relator style’s job to figure that out. It’s sort of like when the joy emotion is triggered by either a negative or positive connection, which the socializer memories have to figure out.
Again, when we are experiencing someone’s love or sorrow for another, we experience the same feeling of sorrow, but without the pain (loss) of sorrow. This is the essence of “That Caring Feeling”—the fact that we care at all. This is also probably why we “cry tears of sorrow” when experiencing someone’s misfortune and “cry tears of joy” when experiencing someone’s good fortune or love for another. But for “That Caring Feeling” to occur, our sensory, sorrow and relator memories have to exist in our brain. After the relator memories sort out the reason for the sorrow a new set of sensory/emotional/relator memories are stored in our brain. And the more of these experiences that we have the higher the probability of having “That Caring Feeling” in the future. In essence, “That Caring Feeling” is a test for the strength of our sorrow and thus the strength of our relator style and the ability to express bonding love with others.
When we are NOT weak in sorrow and the relator style we possess many sets of sensory/sorrow/relator memories that trigger “That Caring Feeling”. When we possess few of these sets of memories it is difficult to care. As you know, our director and relator styles are completely opposite, making us doubly strong or weak when both strong in one and weak in the other. Thus, it will take much longer to develop “That Caring Feeling” (it took me 50 years) when we are a strong angry/director and a weak sorrowful/relator. Fortunately, we can experience “That Caring Feeling” once we allow ourselves to amass enough sets of sensory/sorrow/relator memories. But to do that we need to get past our self-serving life and accept the fact that others are just as important as we think we are—we are all just trying to lead the best life we can with what we have to work with and out genetic personality has a lot to do with it.
Examples of having “That Caring Feeling”
When YOU are caring about yourself or others:
► you can experience those “tears of sorrow” when you care about your own misfortune.
► you can experience those “tears of joy” when you care about your own good fortune or love of others.
► you can experience it when you notice that someone cares about you and tries to help you.
► and of course, you experience it when you truly care about the misfortune or good fortune of another.
When OTHERS are caring about themselves or others:
► they might experience it when they sense someone reacting to his or her own misfortune.
► they might experience it when they sense someone caring about his or her own good fortune or showing love.
► they might experience it when they sense someone helping another.
► they might experience it when they witness many others helping in an emergency—think about how you felt watching 9-11 happen or when you experience first responder’s reactions.
► they might experience it when they witness someone being helped by another—making you want to help too.
► they might experience it whenever they emotionally react with sorrow!
When someone is NOT sincerely caring:
► you won’t experience it when someone falsely cares about another.
► That Caring Feeling is a wonderful tool to test the sincerity of others (and yourself)
► if you are watching a movie, show, etc., and you don’t get that caring feeling when you should, it means that the actors aren’t very good and/or just don’t care and/or your caring feeling could be stronger.
You probably experience “That Caring Feeling” more than you realize—and the more you recognize that you are experiencing it the stronger “Your Caring Feeling” will become along with its loving relator benefits.
I hope that by understanding and strengthening “Your Caring Feeling” that it will allow you to become a more positive part of our humanity and experience more love in your life.
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